Bus Stop

Dear Everyone,

I apologize for not writing the last couple months. I have been busy with my new schedule/job and have not had time to write. But, fortunately for all of you, I've had many noteworthy experiences which I will outline and narrate below.
Enjoy!!

Bus Stop:
With my new job at the Pennsylvania Historical and Museum Commission I have started taking the bus to work. And, consequently, I've met new and exciting people. Hooray! (side note: if you cannot handle adult content and racial slurs I recommend waiting for the next blog entry: The Nerds)
Crazy # 1 (toothless white guy): Sitting on the bus minding my own business and in comes Man on Phone.
mop:"Do you know what my Fiance did?"
me: 'no'
mop: 'she had SEX with another man!'
me: 'that's too bad'
mop: " I got a txt from some man who said he was having SEX with my Fiance! I called my Fiance that if she wasn't having SEX with me I would take that ring and give it to some other Woman who would have SEX with me"
me: 'good luck with that!' (jump off bus).

Crazy #2: (toothless black guy) The CHARMER. . .and me just standing at the bus stop.
TC: (slowly walking around me looking up and down) "Is dat you real hair color?"
me: 'Yes'
TC: 'How old is you?'
me: 'thirty'
TC: 'Oh dat's not so young, but I was hopin' you was a yooouunng lookin' forty cause I woulda ax you out! I's 57, I's to old to ax you out.'
me: 'yes, sir, you are'(or, you is) (hop on bus).

Crazy #3: (Sweet confused white man of about 60) The WAVER.
W: (running up to me) "Hi my name's (blank) I was born in 1922 and I built that house behind you!"
Me: "oh, that's nice"
W: "are you waiting for the bus?"
Me: 'Yes'
(Silence, bus comes, I hop on. Turning slightly I can hear the man shrieking and waving vigorously as the bus pulls out).

Ok so maybe I wasn't the socially awkward in these situations, but honestly, when the most attention you get from men are at the bus stop, I start to question.
MAYBE I AM JUST LIKE THEM???!!!

Love,
Beth

Don't I wish. . .

My Romantic Life is on the rocks. I haven't flirted with a guy in, like, 5 months. I need help. I NEED YOU TO SET ME UP WITH SOMEONE!!!
But, you may ask, what kind of guy does Beth even LIKE???
No worries I took that into consideration and researched extensively.
I like,Tall, slender, muscular, white, foreign accented men.

Here are some examples

Neil Jackson; I couldn't find any photo's of him where he didn't look gay, but. . .
he talks like this : 'Raining? It's chucking it down. Wouldn't fancy living at the bottom of a hill in this weather!!!' (actual quote. I stalked him on facebook). He is from England. Fancy that.

Demitry; winner of Project Runway Season 10. I enjoy tall pale Belarusians. (Side note: I have been in Belarus. End of side note). Besides designing clothes he is a professional ballroom dancer. umm yeah!


Richard Armitage: Beautiful Man. Beautiful Dwarf. He is a sweetheart.


Benedict Cumberbatch; I love Sherlock Holmes and bad guys on Star Trek. Oddly enough he plays both. Perhaps this is why I like Sherlock Holmes and bad guys on Star Trek. Nevermind the details

This Jewish Man. Have I mentioned my love of noses?? So what if he's from Pittsburgh.



Does that help you all in the search???

I request that you would start looking quick because I just spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME doing mindless research/stalking/wishing/dreaming.
I need a boyfriend, quick.

Another side note: I have a job interview at the State Archives tomorrow. Please think and pray for me.
Because if I don't get a job I like, I will probably continue to sit at home stalking celebrities on the internet. Thank you.
Love,
Beth

Hey Adam! I hear you're missing a Rib! Welp here she is. . .

Dirty 30
30, flirty and thriving
10 years til I am 40.
and yet. . .I will always be younger than Corey Nelson. HA

I am too young for this.

I did it!* I kissed a random boy at Red lobster. He had nice teeth; minty breath and a uncanny resemblance to Christian Bale.

Ok, I chickened out. Unless you count licking Christians image on the computer screen. Which is, disappointingly, not minty. Bleh.

My romantic life has been lacking lately. All of the 21 year old guys I flirted with this summer have gone back to school, gotten married or hiding in the mothers room trying to avoid me. I still have Darling Spencer, but I just can't bring myself to flirt with an 18 year old. It isn't the same. :(.

So I have started my LDS Singles account of which I am pleased to report. . . is the biggest waste of time on the face of the planet. I have heard all these amazing success stories of how so&so met their eternal companion in Indonesia. . .blah blah.
So far I have gotten a message from a guy who is wearing a white tux with tails, totally 80's inspired. He made me throw up in my mouth a little. Luckily he resides in Utah giving my another reason why I will NEVER live there.
The other guy whom connected with me is from Brazil. yeah. . .

I've decided that it must be my profile! This is why normal boys fail to recognize my awkward seductive qualities. My profile is, well, BORING. . .

Here it is:

I am Fun, nice, interesting, humorous, sarcastic(in a pleasant way).
I like to read, write,laugh, run, water-ski, go on adventures, travel, eat new food, play games(I honestly cheat) I will try anything new unless it involves jumping out of airplanes.
I love Church History! All of it! I also like 19th and 20th century history
I love to travel and the coolest place I have ever visited. . .
Chernobyl, Ukraine!!!
Then there is a cute pic of me :)

Yeah. . .totally lame I know.

So now, boys and girls who read my blog, I am imploring you for help!! I need to make my profile AMAZING so I can find mister right, preferably from the United States-but Canada is OK too.
HELP, HELP, HELP! (Corey Nelson)
thank you,

Beth


*LIE
.

The Gentle Let Down

Translation: You creep me out! Leave me alone before I get out my pepper spray, call the police, hire a lawyer who will take you to court to issue a restraining order.

This week someone, who will remain nameless, gave me the 'gentle let down'.
He said something like this; "Beth, you are such an amazing, awesome, incredible, insightful, sensitive, hilarious, sincere, honest, kind and SPECIAL person. . . But I am not interested in dating you.

I will be honest, I was flabbergasted! What did I do to get the 'gentle let down' from a 21 year kid? What gave him the idea I was interested???
All I did was:
Yell his name repetatively
Touch his knee with mine
Dance with him
Give him my phone number
Take him to a special room where mothers nurse their babies
Ask him to go to Richmond VA, where I am supposedly visiting my friend Laura, but secretly hoping to see him.

REALLY?? I mean COME ON!
I do that with all the boys!

But honestly, despite his inaccurate assumption of my feelings toward him, he did let me down quite gently.
The last guy who turned me down. . .hmmmm. . .
Actually I can't remember the last guy who turned me down. Usually I am the one. My method is a little different. Not quite as nice, but fairly effective. . .
I run and hide. After five minutes of a desperate search he concludes I am dead and finds another girl to stalk.

P.S.
Yesterday I joined LDS Singles dot Org
Expect hilarious narratives in the coming days
So far a 48 year old man from Virginia looked at my profile. hehe. . .

This is going to be AWESOME

Da' Spenca's

This weekend I met 3 guys named Spencer. . .
Spencer #1: Otherwise known as 'Darling Spencer" Please review the Ocean City Maryland trip post if you are unsure to whom I am referring. He only gets more Darling.
Spencer #2: Tall handsome red-head boy who I fall 'madly' in love with. (how could I not? He was tall!) We will get back to him later.
Spencer #3: The kid who got annoyed after awhile because I kept yelling SPENCA!!!' for the sole purpose of seeing 3 guys turn around in response to my obnoxiousness. And then I would laugh!!! heh heh heh. . .

Here are two pictures of me and Spencers.

The first pic we had to explain to Darling Spencer that it was ok to touch a girl. Elbows and armpits didn't count.
Poor Tall Spencer was trying not to drop my hulking body.
Annoyed Spencer was just annoyed he had to be in the picture.

This Pic is much better. And my underwear isn't showing as much.

The Photos were taken in front of The Gettysburg Visitors Center in Gettysburg PA.

We all met together at a three day Young Single Adult Conference 'Sailing through the storm'.
This conference was the BEST YSA conference I have EVER been to. And I have been to many many many many MANY conferences.
We started out Friday night at the YSA branch meeting house (branch is like a congregation in a regular church. . . because my church isn't regular. . .or something. . .) There were about 50 of us there. We started out playing 'Apples to Apples' and that is how I met Tall Spencer. He and I were sitting together until my friend Ethan scooted in between us. I leaned over and in Ethans ear I said 'Me, you, CUTE GUY!' he took the hint and moved. 
We played a mingle games and then went on a Ghost Tour in Gettysburg. That was so cool. Unfortunately I didn't see any ghosts. I don't have that Special Talent. We were having so much fun we didn't get home til 3AM only to sleep for 31/2 hours and head back to Gettysburg.
On Saturday Tall Spencer and I rode together in the Van to the visitors center. He had to sit right next to me because the far seatbelt was broken. Our legs kept touching. :). 
We split into three groups to tour the Battlesite. Unfortunately Tall Spencer was not in my group.
We toured Gettysburg. Went out to lunch and then got ready for the dance. YSA activities always have a dance.

Brooke, Ethan, Me and Laura at the top of the Observatory Tour. It is pee your pants tall. I know because I almost did. 

A group of us at the dance. Matt,the guy in the blue shirt and glasses, and I touched noses. It was kind of awkward.

But not as awkward as what I did next.

So you know how I was talking earlier about Tall Spencer?(prob not because I only mentioned him about 7 times) Well accidently everyone in the entire group found out I thought he was nice. Everyone. 'Give him your number!' ' You should totally give him your number' So I wrote him a note:

Dear Spencer,

I've had a fun time with you today. It has been fun getting to know you

(insert my phone number)

Call me. . .Maybe :)

Beth Orton

(just for the record, we listened to "Call Me Maybe" at least five times in the van as we drove.)

He asked me to dance the very first dance and I put the note in the pocket of his shirt and told him to read it later.
Being rather sweaty and gross from the hot and humid day He and I were taking a break from Dancing and sitting in chairs along the side. And then I suggested 'Hey you want to go to the Mothers room, it is nice and cool and has comfy chairs?' 'Sure' he said.

Do you think it is Awkwardly Seductive to take a guy who is cute into a room where mothers nurse babies during church?
I hope so! If not, then this blog is for naught.

HOLY BUCKETS!!! HE JUST ASKED ME TO BE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK!!! MY AWKWARD SEDUCTIVENESS IS WORKING!!!

I hope he reads my blog. Then the Awkwardness would be complete. Unless, of course, he deletes our facebook friendship after he reads it.
I don't know why he would. . .

Well I have to go and stalk boys now!!!

bye!

Did I ever tell you about the time I met Joseph Smith??

Note: This meeting is in no way exaggerated. Unfortunately. Oh, just for the record, I like noses.

I met Joseph Smith. Yup it was really him. Beautiful blue eyes, a great nose, a little on the short side, but who is complaining?

 My friend Sarah and I went to a special showing of one of those Joseph Smith movies that independent film companies like to make. The movie was playing at a small theatre in downtown Harrisburg. About 25 people showed up most of them old. My bishop and his wife were there. Jared Riddick was there (YSA BOY). 

 I walked in the theatre and across the lobby I saw HIM. Remember that scene from West Side Story when Maria and Tony see each other across the dance floor, yeah pretty much the same thing, for me anyway. I walked towards HIM and as I approached I said in a very shaky voice "Good job".

GOOD JOB!? of all the things I could say to the guy who plays Joseph Smith in the "Restoration" movie is GOOD JOB?

It gets better.

I walk into the theatre. Then the full realization of who HE is overtakes me.

I start to hypervenilate. I start to whisper VERY LOUDLY. I said something like this. . .

B-OH MY GOSH DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS??? THATS THE GUY! THE GUY WHO PLAYS JOSEPH SMITH IN THAT MOVIE

S-what movie? what are you talking about?

B-DID YOU SEE HIS NOSE??? THAT HOW I KNOW! HE HAS THE BEST NOSE EVER!!!!!!

S-Beth I am pretty sure he can hear you. . .

B-HE IS SOOO FREAKIN' HOT!!! HOLY BUCKETS!!! DO YOU THINK HE IS MARRIED? I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO LOOK AT HIS LEFT RING FINGER. . .OH I JUST LOVE HIS NOSE. . .

Anyway, I continue in this manner until the movie starts. As I watch the movie I am physically shaking. . .

Afterwards HE and his friend are selling DVD's of the movie we just watched. I got enough nerve to ask him if I could get my picture taken with HIM.  HE smelled good. I told HIM that HE is my favorite Joseph Smith EVER! Except the real one of course. I wonder what my reaction will be when I do meet the real Joseph Smith. . .

So when I get home, this immediatly becomes my facebook profile pic. And I proceed to stalk him on facebook. In about 10 minutes I find him and discover. . .he is married  (sigh). he even has a kid (sick).

For the next month everytime I got on facebook I stroked the screen. Marshall told me I was creepy.

But really. . .Wouldn't you have done the same???

if you want proof here is a link to the 'Restoration' movie on lds.org.

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/feature-films?lang=eng#2008-06-01-the-restoration

yup. . .same guy

Trip to Ocean City MD

So apparently I like engaged men and 18 year old premies.(pre-mission, in case you are not Mormon. Oh and YSA is short for Young Single Adult).

This week I went to Ocean City for a YSA activity. This was the first time I'd been to Ocean City and I was so excited I couldn't sleep. There were eleven of us in a fifteen person van. My DJ friend Ivan was there so we had fantastic dance music. The van was shaking. We ate good food, played in the water, and lounged around in the sun. And of course I fell in love.

Stinkin' Stephen:
Stephen is engaged to Kay. He gave her a beautiful ring. I want one just like it. Stephen and I have an interesting relationship. We do and say awkward things:
1. I like to sit on his lap and stroke his hair.
2. He told me that when I walk in the room his glasses fog up.
3. And other awkward stuff.
Ocean City trip was a good opportunity to build this awkward relationship
For Example:
I showed him a picture of my niece Violet.
S: Is this your baby?
B: yes
S: Who is the father?
B: My brother
S: you should put that in your blog

As I was describing how to make a banana milkshake
S: Will you make me a milkshake

B: Only if you marry me
silence. . . . . .
B: What are you thinking?
S: I was thinking that I could get married and have a wife or I could get married, have a wife and a milkshake.
B: This is a hard decision.
S: I know

I am the awkward looking one. Laura's the cute one.

Beth, Kay,Laura,Stephen,Ronnie,Sam,Ivan,Wendy,Amy,Spencer,Ethan

Darling Spencer: 
Spencer is 18 years old and just graduated from high school. Enough said.
He is soooo darling. We played in the ocean. It was fun.

With the exception of  my bra rubbing against my sunburn while I write this, I would say the Ocean City trip was a success!!! What think you??